Episode 8 - The Changeling

Last time on The Lost Episodes...
<Inside Megatron's House of Loose Change and False Teeth Emporium>

Megatron: This Phil Bond sounds like a formidable opponent.  If he is as ruthless and cunning as you say he is, then I suspect he is planning my demise as we speak.


Rattrap: We've found a new energy source, and we need this...


T/BA: I'm Blackarachnia.  Sorry about this.


Shadowy Figure: must..........destroy............immaturity.........make them.........apologize........

<And now the conclusion> 

Next to mountains of empty pie tins at the Maximal Greenery...

Tree: I feel so violated.

Cheetor: Oh boy!  I'm stuffed.

Primal: Yes, all that pie seems to have incapacitated our Technorganic bodies.  I'll check to see what the Oracle has to say about it as soon as my legs start working again.

Nightscream: Hey, did we leave any for Blackarachnia?

Nothing happens.

Nightscream: I *said,* "did we leave any for Blackarachnia?"

Nothing continues to happen.

Nightscream: Hey, where's Rattrap?

<Outside Megatron's, uh... you know the place>

Rattrap is filling up a kettle under a water spigot.

Rattrap: Man, I sure am glad that there's easily accessible plumbing on a metallic planet where water could rust just about everything in sight.

A bright light flashes over the Citadel, and a shadowy figure begins to descend.

Rattrap: Hello... what's this?  Rattrap: Maximize!

Rattrap Transforms and starts crawling up the wall.

Rattrap: Man, this would have been easier in Beast Mode...

<The Cybertropolis Space Port>

Silverbolt: Stay back, base villain!  You are not my one true love!

Tarantulas/Blackarachnia: Look, Silverbolt, I can explain!

Silverbolt: No need, you survived the Beast Wars and now you have come here!   What have you done with Blackarachnia?

T/BA: <getting angry> How can you forget all we shared, Silverbolt?

NickBee: <falling over slightly> Woah man, this is getting kinky.   Hehe!  I wish Starscream were here to see this!

Starscream: I am not gay!

Diagnostic Drone: <to Tarantulas/Blackarachnia> Look my dear, it will do you no good, I suggest you give it up.  All he can see and hear is Tarantulas.

T/BA: Who are you?

Bob Skir/Drone: Bob Skir.

T/BA: Ah, I see.

BS/D: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm needed at the Citadel.

NickBee: <dazed> Groovy...

Silverbolt: You leave me no choice, there's only one way to settle this!

<Inside the place that Bob Skir just said he needed to go>

Hanging from the ceiling we see...

Rattrap: <in robot mode> Those are Tank drones... they look like they're armed to the teeth.  Man, I better contact Optimus.  Wait, hold up...

The Drone scurries in, and Megatron greets him.

Megatron: Are my tank drones ready?

Diagnostic Drone: Yes, my liege.

Megatron: Excellent, yessss... begin deploying them at once.

Shadowy Figure: Belay that, sucka!

Megatron: What?

A shadowy figure descends from the ceiling, and lands in front of Megatron and the Drone.

Megatron: You!

Shadowy Figure: yes.........i see you are still here..........haven't you left yet, kiddie?

Megatron: No one speaks to me in that manner!

Shadowy Figure: your mistake kiddie.............im back and im gonna kick your keester.................

Megatron: Quickstrike?

Shadowy Figure: no.........benny bamt!

Dum dum dum!

Diagnostic Drone: <retracting his head-mounted speakers> Sorry...

Megatron: "Benny?" You have taken a first name?  Yessssss...

Mr. Bamt: not quite kiddie........when I left cybertron.......i was caught in a timewarp which sent me back to 20th century earth................badly damaged a film crew there rebuilt me as a stage prop for total recall............

Benny: <jumping out of Mr. Bamt's cockpit> That's where he met me, sucka!

Megatron: By the pit, what is this?

Mr. Bamt: i had benny binary bonded to me so that we could fulfill my programming................to seek out immaturity and annoy the kiddies incessantly until everyone leaves.................and then i make them apologize

Diagnostic Drone: Perhaps Phil Bond sent him to destroy you, my liege.

Megatron: 20th century Earth, you say?  Then the powerful Phil Bond is undoubtedly preparing his final assault at this very moment!

<January 1, 2000 - The End of All Existence - Earth>

The eternal fires of hell blaze around Phil Bond as he fends off demons with TheOrange's C9.8 G1 Megatron.

Phil Bond: Stupid Y2K...

<Back inside Megatron's Tetris Warehouse>

Mr. Bamt:  you are immature.............you must be purged from this planet.

Megatron: I knew giving my drones their own spark was a bad idea.

Diagnostic Drone: You're absolutely right, sire.  Hard programming is the only way to ensure loyalty...

Megatron: <narrowing his eyes> You shall not win, Mr. Bamt!  I am taking you out!  Yessssss...

Mr. Bamt: benny............return!

Benny: Mr. Bamt: Ridicule!

Mr. Bamt and Benny combine into a large, and grotesquely hideous robot, armed to the teeth with lots and lots of nasty little drills.

Diagnostic Drone: Oh my, I didn't see this one coming...

Benny Bamt: Forward, my Armadildrones!  Yo!  I'm gonna bust a cap in yo' ass, sucka!

Megatron: You have to survive the devastation of my ultimate weapon first.   Yesssss...

Benny Bamt: Prepare to dance, foo'!

<The Space Port, again>

Tarantulas/Blackarachnia: I can't believe I'm doing this.

NickBee: Keep it up!  This is like watching Animal Planet!

Silverbolt: A little higher...

T/BA: This isn't even your original body.

Silverbolt: Behind the ear, if you could, please.

T/BA: What ear?

NickBee: Can I be next?

Silverbolt/Blackarachnia: No!

<Back to the battle>

Out of nowhere, several bombs fall from the ceiling (okay, I guess it wasn't from "nowhere...") and destroy several of the drones.

Rattrap: Is this a private argument, or can anyone dish out the abuse?

Benny Bamt: Quiet, sucka!  Before I bust a move on you!

Rattrap: Oh, I'm so scared.

Megatron: Join me, Rattrap!  Together we can defeat this insolent fleshling!  Yessssss...

Rattrap: No thanks, I think I'll just go drown in a sewer instead.

Benny Bamt: Not if I kill you first!

Silence.  All the drones stop dead in their tracks.

Megatron: What did you say?

Benny Bamt: You got rust in yo' audio receptors, foo'?!

Megatron: I think you misunderstand, we don't actually try to "kill" each other on this show.  Noooo... we just shoot at the Maximals and if we actually manage to hit them they revert to Beast Mode.  Yesssss...

Benny Bamt: Then how do you expect to defeat them, sucka?

Megatron: They usually feel really bad afterwards.  Yesssss...

Benny disengages from Mr. Bamt.

Benny: <To Mr. Bamt> Yo!  You didn' say nuthin' about that to me!   This is wack, man!

Mr. Bamt: you are so immature.............i would expect this from a cab driver............

Benny: <heading for the door> You wanna say that again, sucka?  You drag my mutant ass all the way out here for this?  Yo!  I've got five kids to feed!

Mr. Bamt: why dont you grow up kiddie............no one likes you.............i came here to save this planet once and for all...................i bet you arent even married

Benny: Yo!  What's that foo'?

Diagnostic Drone: I have somewhere to be.  Excuse me.

The Drone leaves.

Rattrap: Yeah, I think I better check on Optimus and the others...

Rattrap transforms into Beast Mode and scurries off.

Benny: Aw man, now who are we supposed to fight?

Mr. Bamt: apologize to me right now..................and ill forget everything you ever did to me.................

Megatron: <heading for that hole in the ceiling> I'm going to go take a bath.  Where did I put that rubber ducky?  Yesssss...

Main door shuts, the hole in the ceiling covers itself over.

Benny: Yo!  I ain't gotta take this shit from you, man!  I'm outta here!

Mr. Bamt: leave kiddie........everyone wants you to...........your helping me save this planet

Benny: That's it, I'm kickin' your ass now, sucka!

Mr. Bamt: try it kiddie!

The lights go out, leaving the pair alone in the dark.

Mr. Bamt: you are immature!................apologize!


Rattrap comes back to base only to find his comrades lying about on the floor.

Rattrap: Rattrap: Maximize! <looks around> What in the name of my great aunt Arcee is goin' on here?

Cheetor: Too much... pie.  Light... fading...

Rattrap: Primus!  Dickhea-- I mean, Nightscream, why didn't you warn them about the fruit?

Nightscream: <struggling to move> It just looked too delicious.

Rattrap: By Cybertron, this new fuel has turned you all into fat lazy slobs.   There's only one thing to do...

Rattrap unholsters his gun, aims it at Nightscream's head, and fires.   Nightscream dodges, and the blast incinerates the stacks of pies behind him.

Rattrap: Rats, I missed...

Cheetor: No!  My pie!  What am I going to do?

Primal: At least we'll have a chance to turn back to normal.

Cheetor: But my pie!

Rattrap: Shut up, Hot Rod.

Cheetor: I AM NOT HOT ROD!

Cheetor tries to run away, but his limbs refuse to work.  He covers his face and whimpers instead.

Rattrap: Well, you guys missed out on some pretty fierce action.  Megatron went toe to toe with one of his old generals.

Primal: <propping himself up> He did?  Megatron's gone too far this time!

Nightscream: No he hasn't!

Rattrap shoots Nightscream in the wing.

Blackarachnia walks in on the tussle.

Blackarachnia: <still in Tarantulas form> Am I missing out on something?

Cheetor: It's Tarantulas, get him!  That's an order!

The Maximals start lumbering towards Blackarachnia, and Rattrap fires his gun in the air.  Blackarachnia gets sprayed by a punctured water main.

Blackarachnia: Cut it out!  It's me!

Rattrap: Sorry webs, we still aren't used to that.

Blackarachnia: You're the one who poured hot water on me!

Rattrap: Yeah, but that was LAST episode.

Cheetor: Did you find Silverbolt?

Blackarachnia: Yeah...

Nightscream: So who was he, Thrust or Jetstorm?

Blackarachnia: Huh?

Cheetor: We have this bet going...

Blackarachnia:  Oh, I forgot.  I wasn't paying attention.


Primal: I need to go commune with the Oracle. <Tries to move> Uh, Rattrap... help me up?

<Some place undisclosed>

Tankorr: Yes, all went just as I suspected...

Diagnostic Drone: Well, not everything.

Tankorr: What's that?

Diagnostic Drone: I forgot to install those cameras.

Tankorr: Damn you Skir!

The End