Episode 6 - The Amazing Mr. Bamt

<Inside Jetstorm's Quarters>

Jetstorm: Haha!  Pika pika!  That's so cute!  Haha!

NickBee: I don't get it.

Jetstorm: Quiet, he's beating up Jesse and James!

NickBee: Right...

Jetstorm: <with the TV> "It looks like team rocket is blasting off agaaaaaaain!"

NickBee: Are you still wearing that sticker?

Jetstorm: Don't touch that!  It's a souvenir!

NickBee: This blows Ricky Martin.  I'm going outside to practice my dance steps.

Jetstorm: Have fun.

The TV goes blank.

Jetstorm: Slag!

He pounds on the set.

<The Maximal Base>

Primal: This is horrible, horrible!

Nightscream: What's up, boss?

Primal: The cable just went out!  I was watching "The Matrix," you know, looking for inspiration.  Buddha Buddha Buddha!

Nightscream: Why didn't you just interface with the Oracle?

Primal: Because... I believe someone has tampered with the Oracle.

Dum dum DUM!

Nightscream: Where did that come from?

Rattrap transforms and shoots Nightscream in the wing.

Rattrap: Shut up.  What was that about the Oracle, boss-monkey?

Primal: Nothing important.  Oh, where were we?  Ah, yes... We are here today to acknowledge our dear departed friend, Rhinox...

<At the Citadel entrance>

Nickbee and his BumbleCons are out in front doing a dance number.

NickBee: And 1, 2, 3, kick, sliiide, 6, 7, turn! 1, 2, jump, sliiiide, kick!, 6, 7, turn!

A bumblecon falls out of formation, causing an entire row to collapse.

NickBee: You bumbling idiot!  You're messing up my routine!  Do you know how long it took me to put this together?  Do you!?

NickBee cries mech-fluid.

Megatron: <from inside the Citadel> NickBee!!

Nickbee: Uh oh, vending-machine-dragon boy sounds mad.  Take five everyone.  We'll shoot the video tomorrow.

Megatron: NickBee!!

NickBee: Yeah, I'm coming.  Why don't you get me a Mellow Yellow, while you're at it...

Megatron: I heard that!

NickBee: Crap.

<Back inside>

The three surviving Vehicons, Jetstorm, NickBee, and Thrust stand before Megatron.

Megatron: When was the last time you saw Tankorr?  That is... before his demise.

The Vehicons think.


Inside the converted lab/warehouse from A Day in the Life...

Jetstorm: What the slag are you pointing at?

NickBee: This.

NickBee peels a sticker from Jetstorm's head.

Jetstorm: What does it say?

Thrust: Weren't you paying attention last episode?

Jetstorm: You expect me to remember things from fic to fic?  This isn't even a multi-parter!

Tankorr: I must go now...

Jetstorm: Hold up.  You're pretty cool now.  Why don't you come watch Pokémon with us?

Tankorr: I have things to do that are KEY to my plans...

Thrust: Say what?

Tankorr: I am plotting my VECTOR of escape as we speak.

NickBee: Huh?

Tankorr: I cannot reveal all to you!  What do I look like, an ORACLE?

Jetstorm: What the hell is he talking about?

Tankorr: I need to go fake my own death and reprogram the diagnostic drone, now.  Goodbye!


Jetstorm: I can't think of where he might have gone, my liege.

Megatron: I see... yeeessss...

Jetstorm: Your army will shine less... wait, what am I saying?!

Megatron: Fortunately, I have prepared for such a contingency.   Yeesssss...

Jetstorm: Let's not forget your last attempt to replace him when he went AWOL.


Megatron: Arise, Tankorr!

Tankorr: Me am here!  Me Grimlock smash--

Megatron: Ah ha ha ha!  No no, my friend.  Your name is *Tankorr.*   Tankorr, remember?  Yessss...

Tankorr: Me Tankorr am transformed!

Megatron: No!  "Tankorr, PULVERIZE!"  Yessss...

Tankorr: Me am confused...


Megatron: Yesssss... that didn't quite work, did it?  Noooo...

Thrust: And then you sent us after the Maximals.


Our friendly Maximals are enjoying a mid-evening picnic and telling stories of old atop a structure shaped like Kryten's head.

Rattrap: ...and that's when old chopper-face flicked a little speck of dino-meat off his teeth!

Nightscream: That's disgusting!

Blackarachnia stares up at the night sky.

Diagnostic Drone: <high in orbit, next to Unicron's head> Gotta... push... head into... position... for... nighttime shot!

Blackarachnia: Weird...

Rattrap: What was that, webs?

Blackarachnia: ... doesn't anyone ever notice how it's always nighttime around here?

Primal: <wearing his shades> How do you mean?

Blackarachnia: You do realize you look just like... oh, never mind...

Cheetor: Optimus, get back into beast mode!  You'll endanger the mission!

Primal: Yeah yeah, whatever.

Cheetor: Optimus, you obviously aren't feeling well.  You're going to get us all killed.  I think it's time I took over.

Primal: Sure, knock yourself out, kid.

Blackarachnia: Perhaps you should listen to Cheetor, Optimus, we don't want to attract any--

Cheetor: Vehicons!

The three Vehicon leaders enter the scene in a completely unnecessary anime-esque clip.

Nightscream: Here we go again. We get to fight the Vehicons and escape without a scratch on us.

Rattrap: Speak for yourself, wings. Rattrap MAXIMIZE!

Nightscream: Ulp. Not again...

Cheetor jumps onto one of the Vehicons

Cheetor: I got Tankorr!

Blackarachnia: No, he's mine!

Rattrap: Shouldn't you be off waxing Thrust's rigid grill structure?

Primal covers Rattrap's mouth.

Primal: Rattrap, please! Not in front of the boy!

Nightscream: Hey, who are you calling a boy?!

Rattrap shoots him in the kneecap.

Nightscream: Ow!

Rattrap: Heh heh heh.

Cheetor: Hey guys, check me out!

Tankorr to careens wildly all over the top of the building, with Cheetor holding on fast.

Cheetor: What do you say I send him over the edge?

Primal: Cheetor, no! This is Tankorr's replacement! We can't make him look bad on his first mission!

Cheetor: <whining> But, Optimuuus!  You said I could be in charge until you got your strength back!

Primal: Really Cheetor, I'm feeling fine.


Rattrap: Shut up, Hot Rod.

Cheetor: I AM NOT HOT ROD!

Tankorr: Tankorr SMASH cat-bot!

Tankorr's gun careens wildly, knocking Cheetor off the building.

Nightscream goes to save Cheetor, and Rattrap shoots him in the wing.

Nightscream: Ow! What'd you do that for? I was trying to save Cheetor!

Rattrap: Eh... oops?

Primal: Forget about that, the Vehicons have priority!

Optimus smashes Thrust and Jetstorm together and throws them at Tankorr.

Thrust: Were are my legs? Why can't I feel my legs?!

Nightscream: You don't have any legs, just a stupid a wheel, duh.

Thrust: <dazed> Richie?

Rattrap shoots Nightscream in the face.

Nightscream: No! My beautiful nose!

Primal: I can't deal with that now!


Megatron: Yessss... I mean NO!  That is all over with.  I have created a new general, even more powerful than Tankorr!  Yessss...

NickBee: You said "Yessss" twice in the same sentence.

Megatron: Silence!  Yesssss... Vehicons.  Meet your new comrade... Mr. Bamt!

A mole tank rolls out onto the floor.

Vehicons: Huh?!

NickBee: Cool beans!  Mr. Limpet!

Megatron: No, you organic cretin!  Mr. Bamt!

NickBee: That's what I said.

Megatron:  Yes, ah, Mr. Bamt?  Transform and show them what you've got!  Yessss...

Mr. Bamt pops, whizzes, and whirrs, and finally transforms.

Thrust: Dear Primus!

NickBee: It's hideous!

Jetstorm: It's even uglier than Bulbasaur's naughty bits!

All: ...

Jetstorm: What?

Mr. Bamt: apologize......apologize to me right now.......to my face!

NickBee: Sure thing kid... uh... where is it?

Mr. Bamt: look at you........you are all acting like little eight-year olds!

Megatron: Vehicons!  I order you to take Mr. Bamt to complete his first task: destroy the Maximals once and for all!

Thrust: You always say that.

Megatron: Perhaps, but this is a new episode.  Circumstances are bound to fall in our favor.  Yessss...

Mr. Bamt: I won't behave......YOU behave!

Megatron: Er, yeessss.  Mr. Bamt will control Tankorr's drones.  Now, be gone!  And don't come back if you fail!  I really really mean it this time!   Yessss...

<Somewhere on the surface>

Cheetor: Man, how do they find us?

Blackarachnia: It's not hard, considering you strut around in robot mode all day.

Cheetor: Well duh.  Do you know how hard is it to eat pie with cat feet?

Rattrap: Man oh man, we're surrounded, there's no way out!

Cheetor: I say we make a run for it!

Nightscream: Where to?  There are dozens of drones in the sky, and three times as many on the ground.

Rattrap:  Rattrap, Maximize!

Rattrap shoots Nightscream.

Rattrap: Shut up.

Primal: We don't have time for that!  Maximals, transform!

The Maximals transform, except for Rattrap, who again has avoided a continuity error.

Nightscream: If that's what you want to call it.

Rattrap shoots Nightscream in the wing.

Primal:  Where is Blackarachnia?

Rattrap: Eh, she's still not back from recovering Silverbolt.

Nightscream: If that's what you want to call it.

Rattrap shoots Nightscream in the wing.

Nightscream: Ow!

Rattrap: You just aren't going to learn, are you kid?


Jetstorm: Mr. Bamt!  What are you doing?  Attack with your drones!

Mr. Bamt: no......

Thrust: What?  We need you to close in on the Maximals!

Mr. Bamt: apologize..........apologize for everything that you ever said to me..............and i'll slag the maximals.

NickBee: I'm sorry!  I was Mr. Happy Meal!

Jetstorm: Say what?

NickBee: I didn't say that, honest!  He made me do it!

Mr. Bamt: did not........listen kiddie.......why don't you go to a planet that wants you........this planet needs to be saved............and i'm saving it! 

Jetstorm: >GASP!< he sounds just like Tank--

All: ...

Jetstorm: I mean Megatron.  Yeah... that's the ticket.

Mr. Bamt: apologize........and i will forget everything you ever did to me........

Jetstorm: Oh get real, we don't owe you any apology!  You've been acting childish ever since you came online!

Mr. Bamt: i give up on you...............i'm leaving for a better place.

Mr. Bamt engages his thrusters and disappears into the night sky.

Primal: Maximals, attack!

Vehicons: Uh oh.

<Back at Megatron's place of perpetually dead people>

Megatron: You guys suck!  I should dismantle the lot of you.   Yessss...

Jetstorm: It's not our fault, sir.  Uh, sir... why are you wearing a blonde wig?

Megatron: Hmm?  Oh, my drone told me it was in fashion this time of the year.  Yessss...

Diagnostic Drone: Fool, I will crush you and Primal with my bare hands!

Tankorr: <into drone's communication link> No!  Don't say that!

Drone: I mean, "cool, that Pikachu is playing with Misty's cans."

Jetstorm: Really? Where?

Tankorr: Idiot.

Megatron: Where did Mr. Bamt go?  Yesssss...

<High in orbit>

Mr. Bamt: apologize........right now!

Unicron: ...

Mr. Bamt: you are immature........argh!!!