Episode 9B/10 - Phil Bondius Emeritus

<The lab / converted warehouse sector of Cybertron>

Diagnostic Drone: Drone to Tankorr... objective completed.  I am homing in on your signal.   Whoop!

Jetstorm flies by, with NickBee and Trust following.

Jetstorm: Hmm, this place looks familiar...

They move on.  The drone continues.

Drone: Repeat, objective completed.


Tankorr: Good, I'll meet you there.

<Inside one of the labs>

Drone: The residual DNA on this sticker should be enough for my purposes, though why I am telling you this is beyond even my comprehension.

Sticker: I must be purged!

Drone: <throwing the sticker into the transwarp chamber> Yes, of course...

<3 February, 2000 -- Phil Bond's Pad -- Way Out in the Boonies, Wisconsin>

Phil Bond: <online with TheOrange> ... so that's how we all survived Y2K.

TheOrange: Uh huh.

Phil Bond: Man, my life is complete suckage right now.

TheOrange: So stop spending so much money on eBay.

Phil Bond: No!  I can't!  I must do everything to thwart PrimeX!   He is my greatest foe!

TheOrange: Fantastic.  Do you still have my Megatron?

Phil looks around and sees a C9.8 G1 Megatron in gun mode lying next to his keyboard.  He picks it up.

Phil Bond: Uh... sure.

TheOrange: Could you hold on to it for me this weekend?  I'm going to Waukesha.

Phil Bond: Why?

TheOrange: Huh?  No reason...

Phil Bond: ...

TheOrange: Are you even listening to me?  This is where you interrogate me!

Phil Bond: <surfing through Hot Puddin'> Oooh!  Playbot of the month.  Hey, waitaminit.  Why is the centerfold a fur-bearing trout?

Phil Bond touches the screen, and is gone.

TheOrange: You see, I pretend that I have no reason to go halfway across Wisconsin, and you're supposed to ask me "what's up with that?"  ...Phil?   Hello?

No one answers.

TheOrange: Wanker.


Drone: Success, Tankorr!

Tankorr: Spectacular.  Let us see what we have wrought.

The chamber opens, and Phil steps out.

Phil Bond: This is uncool...

Benny: <outside> Stupid moletank and shit...

Tankorr:  Excuse me.

Tankorr leaves.

Drone: I too must leave you to your own devices.  Toodles.

The drone flies off in some indeterminate direction.

Phil Bond: This is VERY uncool.

<Inside Megatron's shack of unreasonable delight>

Megatron: <watching on his view screens> So, Phil Bond lives, and dares set foot on Cybertron.  So wretched, so misshapen.  I will DESTROY him.

The drone flies into the room.

Drone: Not until after your bath, sire.

Megatron: Yes, of course.

Rubber ducky: >SQUAWK!<

<Back in the lab>

Phil Bond: Okay, so after some careful examination, I have been able to determine that this is some sort of experimental transwarp chamber.  But it requires a person to be physically divided to operate... how did they...

Phil sees a sticker on the inside of the chamber bearing the words "Property of Phil Bond."

Phil Bond: Of course!  That sticker must have had some of my DNA on it!   Clever, that Tankorr, but not clever enough.  I still have that five dollar bill that Geever gave me in episode 5.


Geever: Here's a fiver.  We'll talk later, okay?

Phil: Mmkay.

Crawley: This is so terribly unfroody.

Jetstorm: <to a nearby Volkswagen> Hold me, NickBee.  Hold me.


Phil Bond: Well, maybe it didn't happen exactly like that.

Phil throws the money into the chamber.

Phil Bond: Well, here goes nothing.

He turns on the power.

<5 February, 2000 -- Somewhere in Wisconsin, Wisconsin>

Geever: Dude!  Were you the one who put Airazor and Tigatron on top of the television?

Crawley: Yeah, so?

Geever: What's she doing on all fours?

Crawley: Dunno.

Geever: You're sick.

Crawley: Hey, look Geev, a fur-bearing trout!

Geever: Don't call me "Geev."


Geever and Crawley walk out of the chamber.  Moments later, half the power on Cybertron goes out.

Crawley: Damn, Geever, I think you broke it.

Geever: It wasn't me... <pointing at Phil> it must have been him!

Phil Bond: Hey you guys!  Isn't this great?  We're on Cybertron!

Crawley: I guess it's okay.

Geever: <looking inside the chamber> Hey, is that my five bucks?

Phil Bond: <twirling the G1 Megatron toy on his finger> What do you say we have a looksee?

Phil accidentally drops the toy.  But before it hits the ground, it transforms into a huge robot.

George Takei: Oooooooh my...

Phil Bond: Indeed.

<By a river bank>

Rattrap: Pull!

Nightscream: No fair!  You tied my wings down!

Rattrap: Yup.

<Back nearby the lab>

Something that can only be termed a cross between a bat and Leonardo DiCaprio gone horribly, terribly wrong flies through the air.

Phil Bond: That thing's gonna hit me!  Quick!  Shoot it!

Megatron transforms into a gun, fires at Nightscream, and turns back into a robot.

Nightscream: Ow!

Phil Bond: Amazing!  It listens to my every command!  This is just like issue 13 of the comics where that guy find Megatron and robs banks with him and... wow.  I could take over the whole planet with this thing.

Phil raises the gun above his head.

Phil Bond: I am Master of CYBERTRON!

Unicron: I heard that, you cocky little freak.

Geever: Yeah, that's great, we're going to be leaving now.

Phil Bond: What?  But I brought you guys here to help me out!

Crawley: Yeah, but we're bored.  I mean, *where* are the robochicks?   We're going to go find a way to get off this metallized hell-hole.  Or maybe find a bar where the waitresses go walking around minus their torso plates... if you know what I mean.

Geever: See you later, man.

The Crawley and Geever saunter off.  Phil looks at Megatron.

Phil: Gun!  Transform!

Megatron transforms into gun mode and leaps into Phil's hand.

Phil Bond: Alright, Megatron.  Let's play.

<Somewhere along the way to Megatron's museum of monstrously tall mega murals>

Cheetor: Yay!  I'm in charge!

Blackarachnia: Great.

Cheetor: Pet me!

Blackarachnia: NO!

Phil slips by and enters the towering structure.  Inside, he confronts his nemesis...

Phil Bond: Megatron!

Megatron: Ah, I see the great Phil Bond has finally graced me with his presence.  No doubt you have come to do me in once and for all.  Odd, I had imagined that my arch-nemesis/destroyer would be somewhat less... puny.   Yeeeeeesssss...

Megatron rubs his knuckles on his robe.

Megatron: Or should I say... <powers up an energy bolt> "would-be destroyer?"

Phil Bond: Heh heh heh... Gun, transform!

The toy leaps out of Phil's hand and transforms into a massively tall robot, towering above everyone in the vault.

Megatron: M-Megatron?  You endorse this weakling fool?  This fleshling?  This insolent vermin?  Or perhaps he simply has you under his control like in issue 13 of the comics.  Yeeeeesss...

Suddenly, Rattrap bursts in.

Rattrap: I've come to finish this, Megatron!

Rattrap looks at Megatron.  He looks at Megatron.  He looks at Phil.

Rattrap: What in the name of my Great Aunt Arcee is goin' on here?

Diagnostic Drone: <to Phil> May I speak to you for a moment?

Phil Bond: Sure.

The drone takes Phil outside, where he is quickly trapped in a CR chamber.

Phil Bond: What's this?  What's going on?

Drone: <with Phil in tow> I'm taking you back to Earth.

Phil Bond: Why?

Drone: Having you bursting in on Megatron all willy nilly wasn't the plan.   Besides, Tankorr has found a newer, better partner.  One he has discovered a kinship with...

<By the river bed>

Tankorr and Benny: <singing> Let auld acquaintance be forgot and ne'er come to miiiiiiind!

<Inside the lab>

The Drone is trying to stuff Phil back into the transwarp chamber.

Phil Bond:  But what about my gun?

Drone: Oh, don't worry about that.  We have *big plans* for him!

Phil Bond: Just who are you, anyway?

Drone: Bob Skir.

Phil Bond: Ah...

The door slams in Phil's face, and reality warps.

<Shortly before 2:30pm, 6 February, 2000 -- Phil Bond's Pad -- Way Out in the Boonies, Wisconsin>

TheOrange: Aaahhhh... what a weekend.

Phil Bond appears out of thin air.

TheOrange: Ah, there you are.  I need to get back to school soon, so I was just swinging by to get my Megatron back.

Phil Bond: Huh?

TheOrange: You know, the useless hunk of die-cast metal and plastic I spent almost $100 on?

Phil Bond: Oh, about that...

<Somewhere in orbit above Cybertron>

Unicron: I have summoned you here for a purpose.

Megatron: ...

Unicron: Your bargaining posture is highly dubious, but very well.  I shall give you a new body, and new troops to command.

Diagnostic Drone: Could we hurry this up?  I have other props to pull into orbit, and I need to prep the new characters for season 2.

Unicron:  Excellent!

Megatron: ...

Unicron: <to drone> Um, could you give me a little push?

Megatron/Galvatron: BWAAAAAA!!!

The End