Episode 7 - Premature Speculation

Optimus walks in on Rattrap strangling Nightscream.

Primal: Rattrap, have you seen Blackarachnia?

Rattrap: Not for a while, boss monkey.  I think she went to go recover Silverbolt.

Cheetor: After all, we all know that Silverbolt is Thrust.

Nightscream: <gasping for breath> Are you sure he isn't >GAG!< Jetstorm?

Rattrap: Be quiet and join the Matrix...

Primal: Rattrap, desist.

Rattrap: Oh, but Optimus... <letting go> I almost had it.

Primal: There's no time for that now.

Cheetor: Aww, no time for pie?

Primal: <puts a giant hand on Cheetor's shoulder> There will ALWAYS be time for pie.

Rattrap: Eh, that reminds me, Optimus.  What do we run on?  I mean, what do we use for fuel?

Primal: Energon, of course.

Rattrap: Alrighty, so where is it?

Primal: ...

Cheetor: Hey, yeah!  I haven't seen a single bit of energon since we got here!

Primal: You know, for once the cat is right.

Nightscream: And it only took us, what, like six episodes to figure oot?

Rattrap shoots Nightscream in the wing.

Nightscream: Ow, what was that for?

Rattrap: You can't tell me you didn't see that coming.

Primal: Alright Maximals, the Matrix wills that we find more energon...

Nightscream: But I thought Cheetor -- ow!

Rattrap twirls his pistol.

Primal: ...so I will use the Oracle to help us find some.  We start at once!

Rattrap: Oh boy... I can see where this is going...

<Somewhere in Cybertropolis>

NickBee: ...so that's when I was all like, "Okay, Ms. Aguilera, you think you so fine?"  Then Britney came in with a couple machine guns and started blasting away.  She was such my bitch.

Jetstorm: Yeah, like that spider babe and Thrust here...

Thrust: I thought she was your girl!

Blackarachnia: <jumping down on them> There's a reason they call me a "black widow!"

NickBee: What?  That didn't make any sense...

Blackarachnia throws some organic goo at the Vehicons.

Thrust: I'm hit!

Jetstorm: Argh! Me too!

NickBee: Hungry... talk for you!

Blackarachnia: ...what?

Vehicons: ACK!

Blackarachnia: Silverbolt?

Before anyone can answer, a swarm of aero-drones brandishing keys descend upon the unsuspecting Maximal.

Blackarachnia: No!  Not now!

She throws a note with some of her webbing on the back at NickBee's head.

<Inside Megatron's House of Loose Change and False Teeth Emporium>

Megatron: Are you sure?

Diagnostic Drone: I am certain, my liege.

Megatron ponders...

Megatron: Yesss...

Diagnostic Drone: What will you do, oh "mighty" Megatron?

Megatron: This Phil Bond sounds like a formidable opponent.  If he is as ruthless and cunning as you say he is, then I suspect he is planning my demise as we speak.

<December 22, 1999 - Stoughton High School - Stoughton, Wisconsin>

Phil Bond: Ms. Bobb?  I forgot my pen, can you lend me one?

Ms. Bobb: I can't.  If I gave you a pen, I'd have to give EVERYONE a pen.

Phil Bond: <to himself> Damn socialist...

<Back at Megatron's Think Tank>

Megatron: Yesssss... load the key into all my tank drones.  It's time we got started.

Drone: ...

Megatron: What are we getting started with again?

Drone: "Endgame?"

Megatron: Yesssss... <pauses> Endgame.

<Inside the Maximals' Greenhouse>

Cheetor: <out of breath> So... tired...

Rattrap: We've been around this deserted ghost planet twice, and there's no energon anywhere!

Nightscream: The whole planet?  I've only just gotten my goulashes on!

Rattrap pulls out his pistol.

Rattrap: Not. A. Word.

Primal: Cheetor, your pie is done!

Cheetor: Oh boy!

Nightscream: I thought you guys were out looking for energon!

Rattrap shoots Nightscream in the foot.

Nightscream: Ow!  My British Knights!

Primal: Uh, well, I was communing with the Oracle, trying to probe the inner secrets of Cybertron -- Buddha Buddha Buddha! -- and, well, I just got this hankering for a good pie, you know?

Rattrap: >GASP!< There's mountains of it!  What have you been making all that pie from?

Primal: That tree over there.

The tree waves.  A piece of fruit falls off.

Rattrap: What in the name of Gouda?

Cheetor: <over his pie> I thought you stopped making those cheese references.  Mmm, good pie, Big Bot!

Rattrap: Gouda is a kind of cheese?

Nightscream: Duh...

Rattrap shoots Nightscream in the back, sending him into the mountain of pie.

Rattrap: Say, why don't we scrap this energon search and use these pies instead?

Cheetor: <mouth full> We fuel up on energon, p-p-period!

Nightscream: Yuck, I got pie in my eye!

Rattrap: <brandishing his gun> Here, let me clear that out for you...

Primal: Wait, that's not such a bad idea.  Maximals!  Start harvesting!

Tree: Be gentle!

<Somewhere else in Cybertropolis>

Silverbolt: What has happened?  What am I doing here, and where is my lady love?

NickBee: Oh, my head...

Silverbolt: Here, let me help you...

Silverbolt removes the sticky note from NickBee's forehead.

NickBee: <swatting at empty air> Hey, watch the hair, pal!  I just moussed!

Silverbolt reads.

Silverbolt: Oh, Blackarachnia, my heart's delight!  She wants to meet me by the space port!  Come, stranger, we shall meet her together!

<Somewhere Underground... don't you just hate how nonspecific I am?>

Tankorr: Welcome back my drone!

Diagnostic Drone: I live only to serve you, my master.

Tankorr: Really?

Diagnostic Drone: No, I just don't want you to be aware of the power I posses.

Tankorr: ...

Diagnostic Drone: I mean, all has gone according to plan, my master.

Tankorr: Excellent, now go find my "brothers" to aid them in, ahem, finding ME.

Diagnostic Drone: Yeah yeah... just you wait until "End of the Line," you absolute twunk...

Tankorr: What's that?

Diagnostic Drone: ...those Germans think Hasselhoff is a hunk.

Tankorr: Well yes, they certainly do.

The drone attempts to leave.

Tankorr: <to himself> Finally, my plans are coming to fruition.  My plot to distract Megatron so that I can install micro-cameras onto Jetstorm's head which will allow me to get in on some of that Blackarachnia action is coming off without a hitch!  I will be the most powerful voyeur on Cybertron!  Now all I need is an ISDN line to the net...

Drone: <impatiently> Are you done?

Tankorr: Yes.

<Back near the Space Port>

Blackarachnia is putting on a strapless Armani

Blackarachnia: <singing> All we have to do now... is take these lies, and make them true, SOMEHOW!

Rattrap saunters by in Beast Mode.

Rattrap: Woah webs!  What's with the dress?  Hot date?

Blackarachnia: I'm meeting Silverbolt.

Rattrap: Really?  You mean you finally recovered him from Thrust?

Blackarachnia: Thrust? I thought he was Jetstorm...

Rattrap: Whatever, I gotta get this boiling hot kettle to the boss monkey.

Blackarachnia: Watch it with that!  What are you carrying around a hot tea kettle for?

Rattrap: We've found a new energy source, and we need this...

Blackarachnia: Fine, just watch it with that thing.

Rattrap: <snickering> Heh, okay.  Have fun with your biker-bot.

Blackarachnia: <whipping around> I thought I told you--

Blackarachnia knocks the kettle over with one of of her rear legs.

Rattrap: Now look what you've done!

Tarantulas/Blackarachnia: Insolent vermin!

Rattrap: Have fun, I gotta get more water.


NickBee: <points an accusing finger at the ground> Why are we here again?  And who are you?

Silverbolt: Show some respect for my lady!  We are here so that she and I may be reunited.

NickBee: <rolls his head about> Cosmic, man...

Diagnostic Drone: <gasping for "breath"> Vehicons, Megatron has ordered you to find Tankorr, and -- ack!  Who are you?

They hear a crashing tea-kettle sound nearby.

Silverbolt: Blackarachnia?  Is that you, my duchess?

Tarantulas/Blackarachnia: <trying to mimic her female voice> Uh, yes, it is I...

Silverbolt: Come out my love, so that I may embrace you!

Tarantulas/Blackarachnia: I have to warn you, I look a bit different than the last time we met...

Silverbolt: You're in disguise my dearest, I understand.

The Diagnostic Drone snickers in the background.

Drone: This is going to be good...

Silverbolt: <To NickBee> Wait until you see her, she's the sweetest, most beautiful...

Tarantulas wearing Blackarachnia's torn Armani walks out of the shadows.

NickBee: <squinting> Woah!  Hubba hubba!  Groovy, man!

Drone: You were saying?

T/BA: I'm Blackarachnia.  Sorry about this.

<High in orbit>

A shadowy figure descends...

Shadowy Figure: must..........destroy............immaturity.........make them.........apologize........

>To be Continued

Next time on The Lost Episodes:

Phil Bond: Stupid Y2K...