|Episode 7 - Premature Speculation
Optimus walks in on Rattrap strangling Nightscream.
Primal: Rattrap, have you seen Blackarachnia?
Rattrap: Not for a while, boss monkey. I think she went to go recover Silverbolt.
Cheetor: After all, we all know that Silverbolt is Thrust.
Nightscream: <gasping for breath> Are you sure he isn't >GAG!< Jetstorm?
Rattrap: Be quiet and join the Matrix...
Primal: Rattrap, desist.
Rattrap: Oh, but Optimus... <letting go> I almost had it.
Primal: There's no time for that now.
Cheetor: Aww, no time for pie?
Primal: <puts a giant hand on Cheetor's shoulder> There will ALWAYS be time for pie.
Rattrap: Eh, that reminds me, Optimus. What do we run on? I mean, what do we use for fuel?
Primal: Energon, of course.
Rattrap: Alrighty, so where is it?
Cheetor: Hey, yeah! I haven't seen a single bit of energon since we got here!
Primal: You know, for once the cat is right.
Nightscream: And it only took us, what, like six episodes to figure oot?
Rattrap shoots Nightscream in the wing.
Nightscream: Ow, what was that for?
Rattrap: You can't tell me you didn't see that coming.
Primal: Alright Maximals, the Matrix wills that we find more energon...
Nightscream: But I thought Cheetor -- ow!
Rattrap twirls his pistol.
Primal: ...so I will use the Oracle to help us find some. We start at once!
Rattrap: Oh boy... I can see where this is going...
<Somewhere in Cybertropolis>
NickBee: ...so that's when I was all like, "Okay, Ms. Aguilera, you think you so fine?" Then Britney came in with a couple machine guns and started blasting away. She was such my bitch.
Jetstorm: Yeah, like that spider babe and Thrust here...
Thrust: I thought she was your girl!
Blackarachnia: <jumping down on them> There's a reason they call me a "black widow!"
NickBee: What? That didn't make any sense...
Blackarachnia throws some organic goo at the Vehicons.
Thrust: I'm hit!
Jetstorm: Argh! Me too!
NickBee: Hungry... talk for you!
Before anyone can answer, a swarm of aero-drones brandishing keys descend upon the unsuspecting Maximal.
Blackarachnia: No! Not now!
She throws a note with some of her webbing on the back at NickBee's head.
<Inside Megatron's House of Loose Change and False Teeth Emporium>
Megatron: Are you sure?
Diagnostic Drone: I am certain, my liege.
Diagnostic Drone: What will you do, oh "mighty" Megatron?
Megatron: This Phil Bond sounds like a formidable opponent. If he is as ruthless and cunning as you say he is, then I suspect he is planning my demise as we speak.
<December 22, 1999 - Stoughton High School - Stoughton, Wisconsin>
Phil Bond: Ms. Bobb? I forgot my pen, can you lend me one?
Ms. Bobb: I can't. If I gave you a pen, I'd have to give EVERYONE a pen.
Phil Bond: <to himself> Damn socialist...
<Back at Megatron's Think Tank>
Megatron: Yesssss... load the key into all my tank drones. It's time we got started.
Megatron: What are we getting started with again?
Megatron: Yesssss... <pauses> Endgame.
<Inside the Maximals' Greenhouse>
Cheetor: <out of breath> So... tired...
Rattrap: We've been around this deserted ghost planet twice, and there's no energon anywhere!
Nightscream: The whole planet? I've only just gotten my goulashes on!
Rattrap pulls out his pistol.
Rattrap: Not. A. Word.
Primal: Cheetor, your pie is done!
Cheetor: Oh boy!
Nightscream: I thought you guys were out looking for energon!
Rattrap shoots Nightscream in the foot.
Nightscream: Ow! My British Knights!
Primal: Uh, well, I was communing with the Oracle, trying to probe the inner secrets of Cybertron -- Buddha Buddha Buddha! -- and, well, I just got this hankering for a good pie, you know?
Rattrap: >GASP!< There's mountains of it! What have you been making all that pie from?
Primal: That tree over there.
The tree waves. A piece of fruit falls off.
Rattrap: What in the name of Gouda?
Cheetor: <over his pie> I thought you stopped making those cheese references. Mmm, good pie, Big Bot!
Rattrap: Gouda is a kind of cheese?
Rattrap shoots Nightscream in the back, sending him into the mountain of pie.
Rattrap: Say, why don't we scrap this energon search and use these pies instead?
Cheetor: <mouth full> We fuel up on energon, p-p-period!
Nightscream: Yuck, I got pie in my eye!
Rattrap: <brandishing his gun> Here, let me clear that out for you...
Primal: Wait, that's not such a bad idea. Maximals! Start harvesting!
Tree: Be gentle!
<Somewhere else in Cybertropolis>
Silverbolt: What has happened? What am I doing here, and where is my lady love?
NickBee: Oh, my head...
Silverbolt: Here, let me help you...
Silverbolt removes the sticky note from NickBee's forehead.
NickBee: <swatting at empty air> Hey, watch the hair, pal! I just moussed!
Silverbolt: Oh, Blackarachnia, my heart's delight! She wants to meet me by the space port! Come, stranger, we shall meet her together!
<Somewhere Underground... don't you just hate how nonspecific I am?>
Tankorr: Welcome back my drone!
Diagnostic Drone: I live only to serve you, my master.
Diagnostic Drone: No, I just don't want you to be aware of the power I posses.
Diagnostic Drone: I mean, all has gone according to plan, my master.
Tankorr: Excellent, now go find my "brothers" to aid them in, ahem, finding ME.
Diagnostic Drone: Yeah yeah... just you wait until "End of the Line," you absolute twunk...
Tankorr: What's that?
Diagnostic Drone: ...those Germans think Hasselhoff is a hunk.
Tankorr: Well yes, they certainly do.
The drone attempts to leave.
Tankorr: <to himself> Finally, my plans are coming to fruition. My plot to distract Megatron so that I can install micro-cameras onto Jetstorm's head which will allow me to get in on some of that Blackarachnia action is coming off without a hitch! I will be the most powerful voyeur on Cybertron! Now all I need is an ISDN line to the net...
Drone: <impatiently> Are you done?
<Back near the Space Port>
Blackarachnia is putting on a strapless Armani
Blackarachnia: <singing> All we have to do now... is take these lies, and make them true, SOMEHOW!
Rattrap saunters by in Beast Mode.
Rattrap: Woah webs! What's with the dress? Hot date?
Blackarachnia: I'm meeting Silverbolt.
Rattrap: Really? You mean you finally recovered him from Thrust?
Blackarachnia: Thrust? I thought he was Jetstorm...
Rattrap: Whatever, I gotta get this boiling hot kettle to the boss monkey.
Blackarachnia: Watch it with that! What are you carrying around a hot tea kettle for?
Rattrap: We've found a new energy source, and we need this...
Blackarachnia: Fine, just watch it with that thing.
Rattrap: <snickering> Heh, okay. Have fun with your biker-bot.
Blackarachnia: <whipping around> I thought I told you--
Blackarachnia knocks the kettle over with one of of her rear legs.
Rattrap: Now look what you've done!
Tarantulas/Blackarachnia: Insolent vermin!
Rattrap: Have fun, I gotta get more water.
NickBee: <points an accusing finger at the ground> Why are we here again? And who are you?
Silverbolt: Show some respect for my lady! We are here so that she and I may be reunited.
NickBee: <rolls his head about> Cosmic, man...
Diagnostic Drone: <gasping for "breath"> Vehicons, Megatron has ordered you to find Tankorr, and -- ack! Who are you?
They hear a crashing tea-kettle sound nearby.
Silverbolt: Blackarachnia? Is that you, my duchess?
Tarantulas/Blackarachnia: <trying to mimic her female voice> Uh, yes, it is I...
Silverbolt: Come out my love, so that I may embrace you!
Tarantulas/Blackarachnia: I have to warn you, I look a bit different than the last time we met...
Silverbolt: You're in disguise my dearest, I understand.
The Diagnostic Drone snickers in the background.
Drone: This is going to be good...
Silverbolt: <To NickBee> Wait until you see her, she's the sweetest, most beautiful...
Tarantulas wearing Blackarachnia's torn Armani walks out of the shadows.
NickBee: <squinting> Woah! Hubba hubba! Groovy, man!
Drone: You were saying?
T/BA: I'm Blackarachnia. Sorry about this.
<High in orbit>
A shadowy figure descends...
Shadowy Figure: must..........destroy............immaturity.........make them.........apologize........
>To be Continued
Next time on The Lost Episodes:
Phil Bond: Stupid Y2K...