Greetings, children! Spiritual forces far beyond my own powers, who oddly identified themselves as "Extraterrestrial Neo-Zoroastrianists," have relayed the following Zodiac forecasts to me. Just look up your date-of-birth to read your forecast. Please do not shoot the messenger--it would hurt your karma.

Aries - (March 21-April 20)
Your freedom of candid expression must soon take a practical hiatus, as Mars goes into retrograde this week. Keep in mind that biting your tongue and listening to the fair and balanced viewpoints of others is the key to a compassionate lifestyle. The cosmos urge you to watch Fox News for a couple hours every night.

Taurus - (April 21 - May 21)
Sincere love is simply not in the cards for you. Your significant other is holding back, and you cannot be expected to wait around forever. The Big Dipper beckons your soul: Treat yourself to a promiscuous affair this weekend. Stock up on plenty of condoms, because your genetic material is hardly sacrosanct.

Gemini - (May 22 - June 21)
Stress ripples through your loins. In light of financial turmoil, Mercury is screaming for your attention: take the bold risks that common men dare not to. Run nude through the streets with your clothes on. It is also recommended that you steer clear of all Martha Stewart merchandise, and invest in Halliburton.

Cancer - (June 22 - July 23)
Tread lightly this week, as the stars command you to avoid all potential bloodshed. Secure your weaponry in an impenetrable metallic enclosure, and then haul it over to the custody of the local authorities. Go back home, sit in your bedroom, and allow fate to take its course--even if in the form of an unwelcome intruder.

Leo - (July 24 - August 23)
You will be tempted to resort to anger and bitterness whenever a corporate CEO looks down upon you. Take heart, and remember that all you have to do is organize a strike amongst your comrades. Stay away from malls and other retail outlets, cease payment on your car insurance, and go burn a flag or two.

Virgo - (August 24 - September 23)
Do not object to the apparent greed of others. Money is good. Individuals have worked tirelessly to hoard their monetary resources. They do not deserve to be punished for their success. Money is good. End your sloth. Shut up and get a job. The elite deserve to be rewarded for their hard work. Money is good.

Libra - (September 24 - October 23)
The clarity of Venus detects a malformation in your spirituality. Visions of the occult or supernatural are paltry figments of your imagination. You are permitted to dabble in witchcraft or even agnosticism--just don't flaunt those beliefs. An exception exists if you practice Judaism or Islam, since you still believe in the one true supreme deity.

Scorpio - (October 24 - November 22)
Hope springs eternal. Meteors on a collision course with Pluto give you the advantage in exercising your agenda. Pragmatism is overrated, unless you are the one mandating it. Ignore what others have to say, and bask in your emotions and pride. Vote for Al Gore in next year's primaries, even though he isn't running.

Sagittarius - (November 23 - December 21)
A satellite orbiting around Jupiter forecasts that HDTV is on the way. Accept this reality, but there is no need to educate yourself on it. Whatever happens to you won't be Jupiter's problem. Remove your felonious young hands from the electronic modem. Lighten your wallet to reap the harmony of Avril Lavigne. It's the right thing to do.

Capricorn - (December 22 - January 20)
Choose your words carefully. The overseer of the Milky Way is watching you. Free thought has its limits. Listen to the wisdom of Brother Ashcroft. If you live in another galaxy, remain there. Remember, terrorists are not welcome in our solar system.

Aquarius - (January 21 - February 19)
Disappointment is a part of life. Deal with it. Your genitalia and skin pigmentation define your place in these cosmos. Unequivocally. Do not argue with this reality. If you happen to have a penis, be ashamed. Take responsibility for the sins of your ancestors, even though they're dead and you've never met them.

Pisces - (February 20 - March 20)
Those who feel a kindred connection with the ghetto should emulate its culture, even if you know nothing about it. Do not bother to seek multiple perspectives. Faith and brotherhood binds us all together, and that fact must be reiterated. Spread the news. But whatever you do, don't talk to any homosexuals.