We at the Temple of Extraterrestrial Neo-Zoroastrianism are seeking members for our very fine organization. Our purpose is human salvation. We recognize that the corrupt members of this planet are destroying themselves, so we plan to ascend to a more wonderful planet currently inhabited by extraterrestrial beings from beyond the moon.

Our prophet, Zoroastor, was abducted exactly 27 rods ago and shown the horrible fate that the human race will experience. He was then sent back to Abbotsford, Wisconsin to convince a small number of humans to ascend to a higher form in order to carry on the human species. But fate took a turn for Zoroastor when he took on the form of a deer and was struck by a Mercury Mystique in an alcohol related incident. With his last ounces of strength, and after an impressive display of mental telepathy and Michael Jackson dance sequences, he passed all his knowledge to a pack of Camel cigarettes, which was promptly smoked by our future Grand Overlord, Justin Greif. Justin’s mission is to convince others to ascend also and save the human species. Here are the requirements for ascension:

All would-be Extraterrestrial Neo-Zoroastrianists must sacrifice certain things in order to make themselves light enough to ascend. Males must be violently castrated. Testicles are not required to reproduce in our new society beyond the moon. Females must sacrifice their limbs (both pairs of arms and legs). All will be rewarded for this act after ascension with two dozen tentacles, in any color that you want! Until ascension, females will be carried around in baskets by their male companions until they learn to move with their minds.

We encourage all Neo-Zoroastrianists to submit their unnecessary earthly belongings to the Grand Overlord, Justin Greif. We also require you to take out large life insurance policies, making the Grand Overlord (Justin Greif) the benefactor.

After a castrated or limbless Extraterrestrial Neo-Zoroastrianist drinks the special Ascension Kool-Aid, he/she will proceed to the spacecraft waiting for him/her behind the NFL Films satellite. The Grand Overlord, Justin Greif, will use their remaining earthly belongings and life insurance money to finish college, and travel the world seeking international members to carry on their respective cultures with the other Extraterrestrial Neo-Zoroastrianists well beyond the moon.

Contact the Extraterrestrial Neo-Zoroastrianists: bigdaddycool@poop.com

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