I have caulk in my mouth
On Feb. 8th the police received a phone call from an Eau Claire hardware store. The caller complained that he had just received lewd phone calls from a male university resident concerning oral sex. The police were able to locate the student who explained that he had been trying to caulk a hole in his dorm wall left by a nail he removed and some of the caulk ended up in his mouth, and he was calling the hardware store for medical advice. The police ignored this explanation and arrested the man on charges of indecency, citing the 1901 Wisconsin statute forbidding references to fellatio when calling hardware stores.

Can I keep him?
On Feb. 14th, the police received a phone call from a female resident of Chancellors Hall, complaining that her roommate allowed a derelict to move in with them. The police reported to the scene and found a dirty hobo WASP and ordered him to leave. They later searched the man and found no incriminating contraband on him; only four chess sets, some Phillips head screwdrivers, three unopened cans of Dr. Pepper and a pocket-sized Qua'ran. When the complainant's roommate was asked why she felt compelled to allow the hobo to move in, she cited the abstraction of mathematical certainty, the power of negative space, and the futility of psychopharmaceutical drugs as her reasons.

Some drunk student walking across the bridge
In order to save space and time, the police have issued this report to be published in every Police Fodder from now on, until the end of the UWEC institution and/or The Flip Side paper:

On X/X/XX, probably a Thursday or Friday night, a student was found stumbling across the bridge and required assistance getting up the hill. Officer X provided the needed transportation to dorm X, and then the student's roommate and the hall director were notified of the situation and told to take care of the student until he/she could sober up. Officer X issued a fine for underage drinking and gave student X a counseling pamphlet or something.

Horrible burglary on Chippewa St.
Police are looking for information leading to the arrest of the individual responsible for breaking and entering into some apartment on Chippewa St. last fall. The burglar stole the following items: Mardi Gras beads, a pile of Dave Matthews Band CDs, a big inflatable Corona bottle, and two old stereo speakers.

One eyewitness to the burglary identified the culprit as follows:

White, male college student, age 18-23, wearing khaki shorts, a visor, and a name-brand T-shirt. The individual had hairy legs and an I-just-crapped-in-your-shoe grin. He was drinking a watery light beer and shouting misogynistic comments.

Individuals are asked to report any of the 100,000 UWEC students currently matching that description to the campus safety office. "It is hoped," said Officer X, "that we will be able to whittle down the crowd to just those with hairy legs."

Disclaimer: If you haven't caught on yet, none of these are specific reported events, but some of them might as well be.