I'd like to tell all of you that this is the first sober Thursday night I've had this semester, and you're to blame. I got the job of writing this article dumped in my lap earlier this afternoon and, after the mandatory procrastination period, it's now due in a few hours. This means no cheap drinks. So, reader, be damned appreciative of the sacrifices I've made to give you something to read as you sit in Davies eating lunch. Alone. It's okay. You'll make friends someday.

I suppose, since I'm blowing my night writing this, and because I've no political views to share with the likes of you (Note: for articles on politics, see page 1. Or 2. Or 3, 4, 5...oh hell, any article in this paper beside this one), I might as well address the topic that the English Fest Gestapo ordered...I mean pleasantly asked me to. The officially selected title for this, the ninth annual English Festival, is "Textallica: Ride The Writing," A nod to the good ol' days when Metallica wasn't worthless. In the race for name selection, "Textallica" just barely pulled ahead to win against competitors like "Textual Healing" and "I Want To Text You Up."

The English Festival is responsible for more than just keeping me off the bottle. In the past, it has brought some of the best area bands to the campus mall, hosted discussion panels on everything from Willie Shakespeare to video games, and featured student-produced films. Ooh, I forgot the guest speakers. They say alcohol can affect one's memory. I don't believe them. What was I talking about? Oh, guest speakers. Nice, this gives me an opportunity to put in some pre-written filler to save time. Hey, I do good work and I do fast work, but only one at a time.
This year's keynote speaker is Ron Marz. Ron has been writing comics since 1990, and is best known, or most notorious, for co-creating the new Green Lantern, Kyle Rayner, at DC comics. In addition to our keynote speaker, the Fest will feature faculty members and graduate students as guest speakers.

Well, that worked nicely. That's 51 free words for me. (Actually, 50. - editor) In fact, that worked so nicely I think I'll do it again. T.S. Elliot said something like, "Good poets borrow, great poets steal." Well the same applies to weary college students yearning to be elsewhere. But remember kids, plagiarism is wrong. So I credit April for all this pirated material. Ooh, pirated material. How would our thematic inspiration, Metallica, feel about that, do you suppose? Anyway, this next stolen bit is about the panel discussions.

The bulk of the fest consists of student panels done by students in capstone or other English courses, or students simply interested in presenting, and is an opportunity for students to share their passions with others. Students and faculty involved in NOTA also contribute by sponsoring faculty readings.

Strangely enough, that's another free 51. (For awhile, that figure was correct. Now it's slightly less. - editor) Okay, so now that you know what the Fest is, it might be helpful to know when it is. Well, my friend (see, I told you that you'd make friends someday), this year's Fest is slated for the 4th and 5th of May, but in essence it runs all that week with bands and performers playing all over Eau Claire. As the title of this article suggests, we thoughtfully orchestrated the fest around your drinking schedule. You can check out the discussions by day, hear a speaker a little later, and then head to The Joynt for a round. Or, even better, you could check out a couple of the bands we lined up at The Stone's Throw and House of Rock. For those of you who missed the music schedule in The Spectator (though I doubt any of you did. Who could pass up an article with the phrase "bring appreciation to all language arts" in the title?), do not fret. You can check them out on our handy website (which I also maintain, but very poorly, so don't be surprised if it's down). The addy is http://www.uwec.edu/English/English_Festival. Soon enough you'll be able to get a schedule of panel discussions there as well. Like I said, good or fast, but not both.

The last thing the bigwigs of the English Fest Gestapo, shall we say, "made abundantly clear to me," was that I should make some effort to dissuade the populace both from revolt and from being swayed by the notion that this fest is exclusively for English majors. This is an Equal Opportunity Festival. In fact, the more non-English majors that attend, the happier the Gestapo (and therefore you) will be. There are, after all, plenty of panels on things that have seemingly nothing to do with the traditional concept of English: video games, comic books, dance, music, and movies. So take in a discussion between your classes, or see what Ron has to say on Tuesday. Don't like comics? Well, we have one other big guest speaker, a visiting playwright by the name of Elizabeth Brown-Guillory. The phrase, "something for everyone" comes to mind. So, if you can read this sentence, then you know more than enough about English to find something that would interest you. Trust me. I only lie when I drink. Oh, and one last note, or question rather, to those of you who don't drink: Why didn't you write this article?